A Suicidal Person

I hate to admit this but I'm just trying to help myself. I read in several websites that by telling this I can help myself to get rid of suicide attempt. So I'm trying.

It was started by - I really don't know how or why - a day when I had a suicide thought. It was because I felt that  all efforts I had done to escape seemed like no a way out. It was very soon putting me to a suicide thought. I searched methods to get painless suicide. I watched 20s youtube videos about getting suicide. I read hundreds articles how to do suicide, but in a same time I also looked for how to get rid of this stuff.

It finally brought me to prepare myself. I tried to buy a revolver but this country doesn't allow me to do. I thought a strong rope might help. I searched many photos how appearance of people after hanging themselves. It was pitiful. I didn't want to hang myself.
I then bought a short sharp knife. I put it in living room where I would possible see it often. It would be easier to find when I needed it, I thought. I also liked high buildings. It seemed so lonely but peaceful to stand on a high building. I could be there alone and nobody could reach me. I could feel wind hit my face, I thought. I tried to search some possible ways to end the life.

And finally.... One early morning, something or someone knocked my head to get up. I immediately got up and run to backyard. I saw a body hung on ceiling of my backyard. I could see by my eyes that she was me hanging on neck. I got frozen so soon. It's me! Why didn't I know when it was? My brain seemed to get back as I was thinking who was checking the hanging body. It was me, my brain said. So, was it possible to see me hanging on ceiling while I was standing in front of the body? I clasped both hands trying to feel my own body. Then looked at the hanging body. It disappeared!

At evening of other day, I wanted to take clothes at backyard. At out door I saw my right wrist was bleeding. I looked at carefully on my hand. Yes, some blood was there! I looked at another hand, another wrist. It was clean. I hold my left wrist by my right wrist. Yes, it was really clean. No blood. No wound. I again looked at my right bloody wrist. It was clean now! There was no blood which I saw seconds before. No wound. It was really clean now.

Today the sharp knife is still on a same place in living room. I see blood everywhere now. But the blood will disappear in seconds when I turn to other side. I often see my wrist with blood but the blood also will disappear in seconds without I need to clean it up.